Bikram 101

by: Mei N.

Day 73 already, it seems. That makes it 146 times you have heard the dialogue day-in, day-out. But have you paused to really LISTEN to what your teacher just said?

Do it! I urge you! The dialogue is SIMPLY AMAZING because not only does it tell you WHAT to do, WHEN to do and HOW to do in the simplest of English [Arms over your head versus Lift your arms up over your head] … the dialogue also has the FUNNIEST things in it, all the time!

Of course no one laughs during class when listening to dialogue as you’re trying very very hard to breathe and not die in the room [I’m offering a lifetime membership if you die in my class :D ].

Here are just some of the FUNNIEST things – straight off the dialogue – that one hears in class!

Pranayama Breathing:

“Stomach in, open your ribcage, open your lungs” – Literally, like, you want me to OPEN my lungs now?

Half Moon Pose:

“… opening your chest like a flower petal blooming”. By now, some classes I feel like DYING. And flowers don’t exactly bloom in 40ºC / 110ºF temperature.

Backward Bending:

“Your back is going to hurt like hell, don’t be scared”. EXCUSE ME IT’S GOING TO HURT, WHY SHOULD I NOT BE SCARED? [small voice : because it’s GOOOOD for you!]

Hands to feet Pose:

“Japanese ham sandwich, no gap anywhere”. Nice and tight, compact! It always gives me the giggles to think of a sandwich during yoga.

“… smiling, happy, face”. Nuff said.

Awkward Pose:

“Open your knees, keep 6 inches between your toes, heels knees and hands” - *snigger. Sorry, that line just sounds really dirty [well, ahem, to ME at least. No really, TINK OF IT!]

Balancing Stick Pose:

“Scapula coming out of the body, shoulders are supposed to hurt” – If your scapula really does come out, your shoulder wouldn’t hurt. No no. MY brain will hurt. Bad.

Standing Separate Leg Stretching Pose:

“If you cannot touch your forehead to the floor, open your legs more and more and more and more” I guess it’s the ONLY time if the day when someone tells you to open your legs and you oblige. I’ll admit that I nearly said “Spread your legs open more and more and more”.

Triangle Pose:

“Take a deep breath, continuously stretch your left arm up to the ceiling, you’re trying to touch the ceiling” - *STREEEEEETCH. Eeegh. Which brings me to my next point…

“Quick, right arm stretch up, you’re going to touch the ceiling pretty soon” This line makes me smile!!!! Cause try as I may, my hands are 4.5 miles away from the damn ceiling.

Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose:

“Exhale breathing, and you go dooooowwwwwn” Reminds me of the song “Baby are you down down down down doooowwwwwwwnnn”.

Tree Pose:

“Opening up hips and pelvis…” Hey men, please don’t use this on fellow yoginis after class “Hey baby, wanna know what’s a gooood hip and pelvis opener?” dodgy wriggle of eyebrows.

Savasana:

“Yoga is a gas station…”. OK, the next posture will MOST DEFINITELY ELIMINATE gas.

Wind Removing Pose:

“Freeze. Don’t Move. You can’t even blink your eyes” For some reason, this line reminds me of Robocop [and elicits mental giggles in class at times]. Probably the first time I heard the word FREEZE in a cop movie.

Full Locst Pose:

“747 taking off” Doesn’t this sound funny as you’re heaving and trying to lift your arms up? Or does it make you want to throw your bottle at your teacher? *DUCK

Camel Pose:

“Stand up on your knees. 6 inches apart, inside the legs, between the knees and the feet”. Let us consider the multiple meanings of the previous sentence. 6 inches. Apart. Inside. The. Legs.

“Everybody push, push more, everybody push harder”. I honestly didn’t think this line is funny [because at this point of time everyone including yours truly is just concentrating on pushing forward / lifting chest up and trying not to puke slightly or pass out] until a friend got hold of my dialogue and discovered that this line… has a double meaning. I think.

“Second set, 8 inches between the knees, still only 6 inches between the feet”. Again. 8. inches. Between. Knees.

Spine Twisting Pose :

“Right arm on your back, palm facing out. Try to grab the thigh behind you with your right hand fingertips”. Literally, like, grab the thigh of the [hopefully cute] guy/gal behind me?

WELLLL okiiiiiiieeee…

And there you have it! ACTUAL FUNNY SAYINGS from the Dialogue! Go forth and conquer Day 74 with a smile and grin, knowing that although some classes may be tough, at least there are parts there to humour you :)

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A graduate of Fall 2009 Bikram Yoga Teacher Training, Mei N. hails from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and teaches in Subang Jaya and Pavilion. When she’s not trying to fall off podiums while teaching, Mei N. can be found (sporadically, at least!) blogging when she’s not geeking on her dialogue.